Post by JeffS on Jun 8, 2005 13:32:51 GMT -5
I will keep this up to date. I won't post specifics now, but later I will come back and do so. I met someone by accident. I have given up on love since my Divorce and have spent the last 6 years alone and very lonely. Our meeting was in a bar a LONG distance (960) miles from my home while on a work-related trip. I was not in the bar for myself as...being constantly depressed since my divorce...I prefer to drink alone. Anyway...this person was the person I have been looking for during my whole life. She is simply put (please believe me) the most amazing person and human being. From that very night...the ways in which Snychronicity has occured to me have went from the random that everyone has happen to them....to events that happened sometimes on a daily basis. Some so startling that She and I were so unnerved we didn't quite know what to say about them.
However,...as a means to cope with my depression and solitary life...I became a liar. I would lie at the drop of a hat...about the most random and inconsequential things. I would make up incredibly extravagant 'stories' and pass them off as the truth to her...her and everyone I know. I don't know how I came to be in this situation. I am a good person and a good man. I try to help people and mean nobody any harm whatsoever. I have learned that the old saw about lying once leading to other lies is sooo true. I am a slave to my lies now...and my personal as well as professional life is ruined. I am trying to salvage at almost 38 years old...some type of life to go on with...something to live for and look forward to with hope. Usually, when you have been broken up with over such a dismal failure as a person, friend, and lover....you move on. I assure you I wish her no further distress or embarrassment due to me...I am worthless to her and to anyone for that matter. I have some things I need to take care of with my life before I can be anything to anyone. Here is where my story really begins. I am lucid, and I am rational. Please let me make that clear before I go any further. I know right from wrong...even if I always seem to choose the wrong thing. I am my own worst critic therefore....and that alone makes my previous statement true in my own mind at least.
As you can imagine...losing one you care so deeply for has made me very distressed. I am not the type of person to harbor thoughts or feelings of wanting to hurt either myself or anyone else. I am simply in a state of great personal dispair.
This phrase Synchronicity....is not unfamiliar to me. I have had it happen to me at various points during my life up until now...but never to the point that it is almost constantly in my thoughts as a word or concept.
As I stated before....this woman and I connected with one another in a very unique way. We both seperately became aware of NUMEROUS things happenning around us that defied rational explanation within the definition of Sychronicity as a casual concept. It sometimes shocked us so much from it's constant occurance, that we talked in hushed tones about it....as if someone were watching us together and contriving these occurances somehow. To say we were unsettled about these "random coincidences" is the understatement of the century.
Here is my problem; she no longer wishes to see or hear from me. I deserve this and can't blame her. I haven't contacted her since seperating our cellular accounts we had shared together. BUT....she keeps entering my life through Synchronicity. I am not saying I "See" her physically. What I am saying is that references to her specifically...sometimes by name...which, she has a rather uncommon name for the USA. -Sometimes by re-enactment nearby me of specific situations we both had together. -Sometimes by hearing EXACT and very specific phrases of conversations we both had about the MOST random of subjects.
I can't be specific at this moment because, quite frankly this is very hard to deal with for me. This has NEVER happened to me before, and I don't know what it means or how to deal with it. To be perfectly honest, since I screwed up so badly with the woman I have come to believe I was meant to be with, I would like it just to stop happenning so I can put it behind me and move on. Even if I am alone...at least I won't be tortured by constant reminders us us together. Can anyone offer me any advice except the obvious, which is go to a therapist? I am not imagining this...and now I have no friends with which I can share it with. "She" would understand....and I am VERY curious as to whether this is also happenning to her....but I promised not to contact her again, and I won't make that promise a lie also.
Anyone.......
However,...as a means to cope with my depression and solitary life...I became a liar. I would lie at the drop of a hat...about the most random and inconsequential things. I would make up incredibly extravagant 'stories' and pass them off as the truth to her...her and everyone I know. I don't know how I came to be in this situation. I am a good person and a good man. I try to help people and mean nobody any harm whatsoever. I have learned that the old saw about lying once leading to other lies is sooo true. I am a slave to my lies now...and my personal as well as professional life is ruined. I am trying to salvage at almost 38 years old...some type of life to go on with...something to live for and look forward to with hope. Usually, when you have been broken up with over such a dismal failure as a person, friend, and lover....you move on. I assure you I wish her no further distress or embarrassment due to me...I am worthless to her and to anyone for that matter. I have some things I need to take care of with my life before I can be anything to anyone. Here is where my story really begins. I am lucid, and I am rational. Please let me make that clear before I go any further. I know right from wrong...even if I always seem to choose the wrong thing. I am my own worst critic therefore....and that alone makes my previous statement true in my own mind at least.
As you can imagine...losing one you care so deeply for has made me very distressed. I am not the type of person to harbor thoughts or feelings of wanting to hurt either myself or anyone else. I am simply in a state of great personal dispair.
This phrase Synchronicity....is not unfamiliar to me. I have had it happen to me at various points during my life up until now...but never to the point that it is almost constantly in my thoughts as a word or concept.
As I stated before....this woman and I connected with one another in a very unique way. We both seperately became aware of NUMEROUS things happenning around us that defied rational explanation within the definition of Sychronicity as a casual concept. It sometimes shocked us so much from it's constant occurance, that we talked in hushed tones about it....as if someone were watching us together and contriving these occurances somehow. To say we were unsettled about these "random coincidences" is the understatement of the century.
Here is my problem; she no longer wishes to see or hear from me. I deserve this and can't blame her. I haven't contacted her since seperating our cellular accounts we had shared together. BUT....she keeps entering my life through Synchronicity. I am not saying I "See" her physically. What I am saying is that references to her specifically...sometimes by name...which, she has a rather uncommon name for the USA. -Sometimes by re-enactment nearby me of specific situations we both had together. -Sometimes by hearing EXACT and very specific phrases of conversations we both had about the MOST random of subjects.
I can't be specific at this moment because, quite frankly this is very hard to deal with for me. This has NEVER happened to me before, and I don't know what it means or how to deal with it. To be perfectly honest, since I screwed up so badly with the woman I have come to believe I was meant to be with, I would like it just to stop happenning so I can put it behind me and move on. Even if I am alone...at least I won't be tortured by constant reminders us us together. Can anyone offer me any advice except the obvious, which is go to a therapist? I am not imagining this...and now I have no friends with which I can share it with. "She" would understand....and I am VERY curious as to whether this is also happenning to her....but I promised not to contact her again, and I won't make that promise a lie also.
Anyone.......